Sweptline.ORG

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

Two snakes were slithering through a grassy meadow one afternoon when one says to the other, "do you suppose we are poisonous?" The other snake said, "I have no idea, why do you ask?" The first snake said, " because I think I just bit my lip!"

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep

One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

Harry is sitting at the bar and the bar tender says “why such a sad face Harry?”

Harry says “I really pissed my wife off and she’s not talking to me for 30 days”

“We’ll isn’t that a good thing Harry?”

Harry sighed “today is the last day”

Scam warning for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. I wanted to pass it
on in case you haven’t heard about it. Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out
to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s
how the scam works:
Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your truck as you are packing your purchases into your Swepty. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look.)
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead, ask for a ride to McDonald’s. You agree, and they climb into the
truck. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my
wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the
16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the
Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe’s to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn
them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

John

Hahaha, that was great!!!!

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.
''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia...

Good One

Do yall know why us rednecks like to make love doggie style on Sundays?
So we can both watch the race !

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other, "I have no idea how to drive this thing"!!!! (rim shot)

John

So a guy walk into a bar, and sits down and orders a drink. So the bartender goes, "whats with the sad face?"
The guy says, " I've been looking for my ex-wife's killer for years, and there's been no luck."
So the bartender says " well I actually used to be a detective, could I be of any help?"
So the guy finally goes, "Well, The problem is, I just can't find anyone to do it!"