Joke of the Day

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pismopowerwagon
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Hobcobble »

Yeah! :lol: :clap :clap

John

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by DB69 »

Why are John Deere Tractors Green?

So they can hide in the grass when the Internationals go by


How do you double the value of a Furd

Fill it up with gas :lol:
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In Memory of Molly and Missy, My Beagle Girls

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

:lol:
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Hobcobble »

pismopowerwagon wrote:Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....
Good one! :lol: :lol: :clap

John

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

The Canadian mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Gord in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Gord?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Agnes naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Gord" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Gord, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble..



In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.



Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'



The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.



After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.



I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'



The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word.



Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.



After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
word 'comfortable.'



The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back
to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'



The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.



She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it, so as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash

He later went on to become a politician.
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole. “Garage sale this Sunday 7AM until 100 degrees.”
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

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Q: What do Canadians get on their tests?

A: Eh's
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

The Italian Secret:
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Hobcobble »

:lol: :lol: :clap :clap

John

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Re: Joke of the Day

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My truck is younger than me.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

Good ones haha
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

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Guy walks into a bar, and he's got a real live man sitting on his shoulder, who's about a foot tall. Has a gorgeous blonde with him, and money sticking out of his pockets everywhere Guy goes up to the bar, orders three drinks. The little man jumps down on the bar, swearing, cussing, yelling, drinks his drink, kicks the ashtray, and jumps back up on the guy's shoulder

Guy orders three more drinks.

Little man jumps down, kicks over the drinks, runs down the bar screaming and yelling, and kicks over a couple of customer's beers and runs back, jumps on the guy's shoulder.

Bartender tells the guy, "You and your girlfriend are welcome, but if your little friend can't behave, he'll have to leave. By the way, where did you get HIM, anyway?"

"Well," says the guy, I found the proverbial magic lamp. Picked it up and sure as hell a genie. Three wishes, so I wished for a gorgeous woman, and there she is, and you can see she's truly a doll. I wished for all the money I could ever want, and I have that. And then, I wished for a twelve inch *&#$%@, AND THERE HE IS!!!!"
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

Tony in math class

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. " "There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pismopowerwagon »

The Clock

a man died and went to
Heaven.



As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of

clocks behind him.He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"


St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever

been on earth has a Lie-Clock.



Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."



"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"



"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have
never

moved, indicating that she never told a lie."



"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."



"Where's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton's clocks?" asked the man.



St. Peter replied, "We're using them as ceiling fans."
Andy

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by swptln »

DODGE ......Dumb Old Dude Goes Everywhere
MOPAR.......Move Over Powerwagon Approaching Rapidly
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